From The Pastors Desk: Codependency Vs. Enabling

​Introduction
In today's society, it's common for people to feel like they need to take care of others, fix their problems, and make everything right in their lives. However, this can often lead to a vicious cycle of codependency, where individuals feel like they cannot function without someone else to take care of them.

On the other hand, enabling is when someone enables another person's addiction or bad behavior, allowing them to continue down a destructive path. This blog post is going to explore the differences between codependency and enabling and how to break free from these unhealthy patterns.

What is Codependency?
Codependency is a behavioral pattern in which a person relies too heavily on a relationship with another person, frequently to the detriment of their own well-being. Codependency frequently manifests in close friendships, family relationships, and romantic partnerships.

Codependent people frequently have an excessive need for other people's acceptance, validation, and approval. They might neglect their own needs in favor of meeting those of their partner or other loved one because they feel responsible for their feelings and actions. Resentment, frustration, and low self-esteem may result from this.

Examples in which Drug Use Impacts Relationships Between Individuals and Families

1) Romantic relationships
Romantic relationships are vulnerable to the negative impacts of drug use, creating a stormy climate for the people involved and their families.

Substance use may cause tension and conflicts between partners, which can escalate to verbal and physical abuse. In such instances, the people involved in the relationship might be left with broken trust, feelings of betrayal, and increased emotional distance.

The impact of drug use is felt beyond the romantic relationship as it affects the immediate family members. Witnessing loved ones' addiction can be traumatic and induce feelings of sadness, fear, loss, and hopelessness. It can also create financial challenges, impacting the overall well-being of the family.

2) Parent-child relationship
Drug addiction can bring about turmoil within households and weaken any familial ties that were once strong.

Children who have parents with drug addiction may have to take on more responsibilities and can experience a lack of parental support or guidance. Additionally, parents struggling with drug addiction may become emotionally or physically abusive to their children or neglect their needs. This can ultimately lead to a breakdown in communication and trust within the family.

Furthermore, often, one family member's drug addiction can cause financial strain, leading to further distress and conflict.

3) Sibling relationships
Drug use can significantly impact sibling relationships, causing tension and strain between siblings.

Substance abuse can make it difficult for siblings to relate to one another as the user's behavior and priorities change. Siblings may feel helpless and frustrated as they watch their loved one struggle with addiction, as well as resentful of the time and attention that the user requires.

In some cases, siblings may even become estranged as a result of drug use, unable to find common ground or communicate effectively. Furthermore, drug use within a family can create significant stress and dysfunction, further exacerbating existing problems between siblings.

4) Extended family relationships
When one member of the family engages in drug use, it can result in emotional, financial, and even legal turmoil that affects the entire family. Drug abuse can lead to stigmatization, mistrust, and resentment between family members, which can cause strains in relationships.

Children may suffer the most as they may witness their parents' drug use, leading to emotional and developmental problems. Additionally, drug-use-related conflicts can divide families and result in broken communication, making it difficult to maintain close ties. Sadly, many people who struggle with drug addiction end up isolating themselves from their extended families and support systems, thereby creating more problems for themselves.

Who is an Enabler?
An enabler is a person who enables or facilitates the destructive behavior of someone else, often without realizing it. Enabling behavior can take many forms, including:

1. Covering up or making excuses for the other person's behavior
2. Providing financial support that enables the person to continue their destructive behavior, such as giving them money for drugs or alcohol
3. Ignoring or denying the problem or minimizing the severity of the person's behavior
4. Participating in the behavior themselves, such as using drugs or alcohol with the other person
5. Avoiding confrontation or conflict, and avoiding setting boundaries or consequences for the person's behavior

Enablers often have good intentions and may believe they are helping the other person, but in reality, they are perpetuating the problem.

Effects of Enabler Behavior on People, Family, and Friends

• By providing support or making excuses for the person's behavior, enablers may inadvertently reinforce the behavior and make it harder for the person to recognize the need for change.
• Enablers may feel frustrated or resentful when their efforts to help the person do not lead to positive change, leading to strained relationships with both the person and other family members or friends.
• Enabling behavior can be emotionally exhausting and may lead to stress, anxiety, or depression for the enabler.
• Enabling behavior can shield the person from the consequences of their behavior, making it less likely that they will recognize the need for help and seek it out.

Signs to Look Out For
If you're unsure whether you are engaging in enabling behavior, here are some signs to look for:

1. Covering up or making excuses for the other person's behavior.
2. Providing financial support that enables the person to continue their destructive behavior.
3. Ignoring or denying the problem, or minimizing the severity of the person's behavior.
4. Participating in the behavior themselves, such as using drugs or alcohol with the other person.
5. Avoiding confrontation or conflict and avoiding setting boundaries or consequences for the person's behavior.

Solution To The Enabler Effect

1. Setting up clear boundaries with the person you are enabling is crucial. For example, you shouldn't give them money or cover up their bad behavior. Even though it may be challenging, abide by these limitations.
2. Be honest about the effects the person's behavior is having on you and other people rather than finding justifications for it.
3. Encourage the individual to accept accountability for their actions and, if necessary, seek assistance. Encourage and support them, but don't accept accountability for what they do.
4. It can be helpful to ask for support from family members or a therapist who can help you navigate the challenges of breaking the cycle of enabling behavior.

What Does The Bible Say About Codependency and Being an Enabler?
The Bible speaks to the dangers of codependency and enabling behaviors. The Bible encourages mutual support and interdependence but warns against unhealthy dependence on others.

Galatians 6:1-2 says, "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." This passage emphasizes the importance of gently confronting and helping those who are struggling with sin but also being careful not to fall into sin ourselves.

Proverbs 25:26 says, “A righteous man falling down before the wicked is as a troubled fountain, and a corrupt spring.” This verse warns against enabling or excusing wicked behavior, which can have negative consequences for both the enabler and the person being enabled.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” This verse emphasizes the importance of having healthy relationships where each person is able to support and uplift the other.

Conclusion
Codependency and enabling are two distinct concepts that often get confused with each other. While codependency is rooted in an unhealthy need for control and validation, enabling involves enabling certain behaviors through enabling actions that can hinder growth and progress.
​
It's critical to understand the distinctions between these two ideas and to seek help if you or someone you know is struggling with them. By addressing these issues head-on, it is possible to break free from patterns of codependency and enabling and foster healthy relationships built on mutual respect and communication.